Another shit-sucking plot to ruin humanity eats lead and dies.

If you want to see this as a headline in the daily papers any time soon, read on.

Why does my modem want me dead?  That's right, you heard me.  My modem wants me to die.  And if I'm not mistaken, yours wants you to die as well.

Don't believe me?  Do the following right now.  Go to your computer, get online, and listen very carefully.  This is what you are going to hear.  PRRRRRRRRR - DOO DOO DOO DOO - BING / BING / BING - DOINK - DOINK - DIE.

Unmistakable, isn't it?  And no you didn't imagine it, it really is there.  And now that you've heard it once, you won't ever miss it again.  Unlike all the other sounds, which are random, and entirely explainable given the phone connection which is being established, the word DIE is not.  Oh no, it's not random at all.  Nor is it a mistake, a coincidence or even a novel observation.  It was put there very deliberately, and put there for a reason.

Imagine the cumulative effect on a person as they are needled with this destructive message day after day for a period of years.  And don't  tell me there's no link with the escalating rate of suicide, teenage homelessness, violent crime and sales of antacid.  This message has been sent to destroy us.

Do you see who would have done this to us?  I know you do.  It's clear this is a plot hatched by the Catholic Church, in association with Microsoft and Cocacola.  Just let the doubters laugh.  But it all makes perfect sense.  Let us analyse the facts.

Whoever put this message there, hates technology and all those that use it.  It is an organisation steeped in the past.  An organisation of tradition and outmoded ideas.  It would like nothing better than to return to the middle ages where it once controlled the minds and souls of millions.  No prizes for guessing that this element is provided by the Catholic Church.

To make this plot work, of course, one needs the technical know-how.  Enter Microsoft. But why would Microsoft want to kill off it's own customers?  Have a look at Mr. Gates.  Have a look at his face very closely.  Does he look like a man at ease with the size of his member?  I think not.  I believe I see a man who has such an obsession with phallic size, he has learned to hate humanity as a result.  Yes, the plot thickens. (Unlike Mr. Gates' member.)

And lastly, we come to Cocacola.  Did you know that sales are down, and that they've been down since the mid-80's?  Is it a coincidence that this is when IT sales soared?  Of course not.  The simple truth is that there's no way for Cocacola's advertising agency to make sitting at a computer look sexy enough to put in a television commercial.  As the world goes more and more hi-tech, the image of fun-loving and sun-loving people running around the great outdoors and drinking Coke is becoming a pointless image.  No one believes it any more, and sales are bottoming out.

So there you have it - the triad from hell.  The question now is, are you going to let this go any further?  You already know what my answer is.

These three multinationals, with all their money, power and influence, didn't seem to remember nature's own solution to blocking out unwanted audio messages.  Simply put a finger in each ear.  That's what I do to protect myself, and you don't see me buying my antacid medication now do you.

And in that blissful silence while my computer is going online, I like to repeat a little affirmation to myself - and you might like to do the same.  "Another shit-sucking plot to ruin humanity eats lead and dies."